78 | COSERE party to express themselves, with the other party content to simply support them before making their own contribution. It requires patience, good timing, and, above all, goodwill from all parties involved. Thankfully, though, there are some “cheat codes” that you can employ. There is an old adage that says, “You have two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you talk”. The wisdom of this phrase is undeniable, but assertive communicators would generally aim for a roughly 50/50 split. The key when combining assertiveness with active listening is to maximise the efficiency of this 50% share of the discussion. We previously outlined the importance of occasionally interjecting to ask questions or paraphrase something the other party has said when active listening. There is, however, a proper method to this process. “Avoid starting questions with the word ‘why’” (Leonardo, 2022). The goal is to make communication feel constructive and inclusive for all parties, so it’s best to avoid language that might be perceived as “spotlighting” a negative behaviour or trait. For example, when listening to someone’s account of their current workload, instead of asking “Why haven’t you finished preparing that document?”, one could opt for, “Would it be possible to get an update on the document? I’m here to support you if you have any questions or queries relating to it”. By creating a sense of security and removing the personal dimension from the questions we ask when engaged in active listening, we are also practicing our assertiveness. Furthermore, we are establishing somewhat of a boundary by reminding the other party that their obligations must be fulfilled, without devolving into confrontational or threatening behaviour. Crucial, also, to striking the right balance between speaking and listening is a willingness to recognise nonverbal cues. If a person pauses for a quick intake of breath, it might feel tempting to use this opportunity to contribute. However, instead, consider “Smiling, nodding [or] monosyllabic comments like ‘yes’... ‘huh’ [etc.] ... along with other facial expressions and gestures send signals of engagement” (Leonardo, 2022), which may prompt the other party to conclude their point. If in doubt, silence, as they say, really is golden. Sometimes, simply nodding instead of contributing even a monosyllabic acknowledgement of engagement can encourage someone to enunciate the remainder of their point. This will often grant the listener access to the most crucial information of the other party’s thoughts, as well as providing a neater platform for them to provide their own contribution. Additionally, this approach contributes to the feeling of being heard that we have chronicled as being especially welcomed in communication.
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